I called my best friend. "Wahhhhโheโฆ"
Ava: "Get over it."
The next day I was plastered all over campus trending posts: On the daily life of a girl with love on the brainโseveral photos followed, one of them me, sitting by the curb, drenched.
A thousand comments below: Pretty, but too dumb.
"Pretty girl, consider meโmy looks go with anything and would be lethal, but sheโs got nothingโฆ" No one expected that with stubborn persistence Iโd finally snag a real catch!
Too bad not every catch smells sweet.
Ethan was different after we got togetherโhe smiled rarely, and was always busy.
I like a lot of noise and chaos. My friends used to drag me out to party; one by one they found people and left me alone, like a perpetual single.
On my birthday, Ethan didnโt show.
He’d been buried in a project and went off the grid for a whole month.
I bought a cake, kept checking the time, hopingโprayingโhe’d come back early.
When the clock ticked past midnight, I made a wish and blew out the candle by myself.
Ethan came back lateโrain-soaked, standing in the entryway, his shoulders half soaked.
I broke up with him.
I had a dozen reasons, but his calm, cold face made them impossible to say.
He wasnโt awful to me. Friends called me dramatic.
Fine. I owned it.
I couldnโt handle him disappearing for a month. I was at work, shopping, sending him happy thingsโnothing. Once in a while heโd text, "Busy. Talk later."
When I was sad, I kept dialing until the call hit dead tone, staring numbly at the unanswered ring.
I started to question myself. Why did I chase him blindly back then?
"I deserve better."
I said that out loudโsounded like a woman who never had enough.
Ethan was silent for a moment, then said, "Okay."
That night I dumped every keepsake into the trash.
One of the designer totes got its strap ripped off from an overzealous cockroach fight.
I drank until I blacked out. Early the next morning I woke to a call from a friend saying he’d gotten married. Hungover, hair a mess, I staggered to the Grand Plaza Hotel.
My friend grabbed my arm. "Donโt do anything stupid. Itโs his wedding dayโrespect the occasionโฆ"
His day was a big one. Whether he was happy? That was another matter.
I quietly handed over a wedding envelope at the entrance and sat in a corner.
I wanted to see who, besides me, would be blind enough to marry him.
The wedding march swelled and the bride and groom entered.
I saw the groom’s back.
Heโd put on a little weight.
If leaving me made him this happy, itโs only been a dayโand heโs already gaining weight.
The music was loud enough to drown my sobs.
I loved him so much. Even knowing heโd moved on seamlesslyโmaybe cheatedโI couldnโt let go.
My friend pressed a handkerchief against my wailing mouth. The sad scene infected everyone at our table; a few men onlookers even had watery eyes.
Only then did I realize the table we were at was literally called the exes’ table.
I sat there disheveled while they pledged forever, exchanged rings, and kissed.
Feeling like my youth had been wasted, I snapped a photo of myself and posted it, glass toasting, baring hearts with everyone around me.
By the time they made their toasts, my emotions had settled.
I wanted to see how they would face their exes.
The bride came around with a polite smile, introducing guests in turn.
When she reached me, her smile froze.
I gave a bitter snort and extended my hand. "Hi. I’m his ex."
Those words had been circling my tongue.
The bride suddenly grabbed the groom’s arm hard, words squeezed out between her teeth. "Didn’t you say you had no exes?"
The groom turnedโour eyes met.
Who is he?
Where was Ethan?
This man was a little rounder, his features softer, moreโฆgentle, yet oddly familiar.
My first, blunt thought: Iโd crashed the wrong wedding.
Someone yanked my wrist and dragged me aside.
A cool, clipped voice said, "What are you doing here?"
I blinked, looked up, and met Ethanโs steady gaze. He was in a suit, a flower pinned to his chestโhis brother.
A real brother.
A twin.
The groom was his twin!
โฆThat was absurd.
My friend needed an urgent eye appointmentโIโd make her see a specialist tomorrow.
Minutes later Ethan had taken me to the rooftop.
I stood there in a little black dress with spaghetti straps, hair wild, eyeliner streaked from crying.
Sobbing, I said, "They said you got married!"
I lashed out at Ethan. "Why didnโt you tell me you had a twin?"
Ethan pulled out a handkerchief and offered it. When I didnโt take it, he sighed and wiped my face.
I lost my composure. "Did you ever want to marry me? What am I in your eyes?!"
The last tote had broken; Iโd bought a smaller one that meekly thudded against Ethan whenever he moved.
"Donโt move."
He grabbed the little bag with an almost icy command. "Behave."
I cried harder, poking a finger at his lips. "Donโt talkโlet me finish!"
"Get back together?" Ethan interrupted before I could finish.
I sniffled, deflated. "Reโ"
"But can I have my wedding envelope money backโฆ?"
My voice broke. "I donโt even know your brotherโฆ"
Walking out of the hotel I felt more humiliated by the minute.
Inside heโd asked how much Iโd contributed. Iโd said, "Five thousand."
He transferred the money immediately.
This transactional move made me extremelyโuncomfortable.
Drama mode engaged: I refused the transfer and insisted on getting my cash back.
Ethan accompanied me to retrieve it.
The envelope stood out like a brick in a pile. I reached for it first.
But Ethan was taller with longer arms; he pressed through my shoulder and pinched the envelope between his fingers.
"Youโve been good to me," he said flatly. Then he flipped the envelope and his expression changed.
He arched an eyebrow and read each word like a slow declaration: "Ethan is a jerk."
Head down, I muttered without satisfaction, "Yeah, he’s a jerk."
He said casually, "Thatโs worth a lot."
I looked up. My small crossbody bumped my thigh as he fished out the cash. Eyes wide, I spluttered, "Youโre short on cash?!"
Ethan scooped up my purse and deadpanned, "Do you still want to call me names?"
"Yes."
He nodded. "Then I’ll accept itโI’ll accept you calling me a jerk."
Heโd wrapped me up in words, and I lunged for the envelope. "I havenโt finished yelling!"
Ethan raised the envelope high and, leaning down, kissed my lips. "Fine. Keep yelling. Iโll listen."
Tears rimmed my eyes and my ears inexplicably flushed. Through a sob I said, "Donโt bully me just because Iโm clumsy with words."
This time Ethan smiledโbarelyโand then took me home.
The apartment looked exactly like it had when I leftโchaos. Ethan hadnโt even had time to tidy.
On the shoe rack by the entryway my pink plush slippers sat where Iโd left them. My rabbit-head mug was on the table; the half glass of milk inside was gone, rinsed clean.
A silk nightgown lay on the sofaโwashed, just taken in, not yet folded.
I stood in the foyer like a block of wood.
Ethan asked, "Have you eaten?"
I hadnโt eaten all day. Iโd been emotional and was genuinely hungry.
But still sulking, I couldnโt bring myself to look at him; I followed like an attached tail.
He went where I went.
At the bathroom doorway he stopped and stared coldly. "Together?"
I snapped out of it and took a step back.
Ethan leaned down until we were eye level, eyes severe. "Maya, if you keep pulling childish stunts, I wonโt mind finding a place for you to take them out."
I gave in. "Iโm hungry."
"Whoโs hungry?"
I turned my head away. "IโฆI am."
You canโt starve yourself.
Ethanโs mouth quirked. Then he straightened. "Wait here."
People say Iโm lazy and clueless.
Once, feeling inspired, I lined up ingredients and cooked him a full, elaborate dinner. He sipped the tomato-and-egg soup and said, "Not bad. Donโt make it again."
In that moment I thought: this is the man Iโll spend my life with.
Handsome, fit, cooks, nice to meโmarry him and heโs mine forever.
Then he ghosted me for a month.
Did he even want to get married?
My best friend said I was just entertainment to him.
Why does being someoneโs "entertainment" mean I donโt deserve dreams?
At dinner I stole a glance at Ethan and nudged his knee with my foot.
His chopsticks froze. "Do you want to die now or eat first?"
I didnโt want either.
"Have you thought about marrying me?"
Awkward as hell to ask, I still asked.
"If you want to get married, fine. When?"
Iโd imagined a hundred answersโthis wasnโt one.
I gasped and covered my mouth. "What a huge surprise."
Ethan watched my performance with poker face.
Bored, I sank my spoon into the bowl. "You should propose properlyโring, meet the parentsโฆ"
Ethan put down his chopsticks.
"โฆand plan a honeymoon."
Ethan stood.
"โฆa seaside villa."
He crossed the table and scooped me up.
I squealed and wrapped my arms around his neck.
Ethan pinched the back of my neck like heโd found my soft spot. "Dream on. Dreams are the best place for that."
"I wonโt!"
"Let me finish!" I shouted. "Ethan, you never listen to me!"
He carried me into the bedroom, clamped my mouth, spun me toward the bed.
His mattress was a board. I always woke up sore after sleeping there.
I kicked. "Iโm not sleeping on the floor!"
He stopped and looked down with that aloof face. "A hard mattress is good for spinal development."
"Iโm not developing anymore."
Ethan glanced at my neckline. "Not necessarily."
Before I could protest, he pinned me down.
I refused to be meek. "Thatโs emotional manipulationโPUA!"
Ethan pointed at the dense scratches and teeth marks on his neck and collarbone. "Guess I PUA’d out a fighter jet."
He said it, turned over, and lay downโjust like I wanted.
Even so, I was exhausted.
At first I had the energy to claw and fight him, but before long I fell silent.
After Ethan came back, my life brightened again.
He was still busyโmost of his day he spent hunched over his computer working.
I tried to find things to talk about. One day, staring at his cluttered design plans, I blurted, "Wow! A Hello Kitty!"
He gently scooped me into the bedroom, and we didn’t come out for two hours.
After that lesson, I didn’t dare interrupt him while he was working anymore.
That night I was watching an old drama on TV: Blue Destiny.
I used up half a pack of tissues crying, then turned to Ethan at his desk and asked, "Do you love me?"
Ethanโwho’d said yes to marriage in a heartbeatโhesitated this time.
He pushed his glasses up, poked his head out from behind the monitor, and with a serious look asked, "Maya, do you know what love is?"
I was stunned.
We’ve been together so long and you ask me that now?
Isn’t that an insult?
I walked over barefoot, planted a kiss on his thin lips, and said seriously, "I love you."
Ethan shook his head, held me, and said nothing.
I started to doubt my feelings for him.
"Do I not love him?"
When I told Ava that, she rolled her eyes. "That’s not love. That’s lust. You’re just into his body, into his skills. No offense, but Ethan’s been feeding you and keeping you plumpโwhat have you actually done for him?"
I frowned. "I… I… I kiss him! I hug him! Iโ"
"So you haven’t put your heart in it. Think about that."
That evening I hit traffic.
Ava and I rode in the taxi, chatting idly.
At an intersection a car sped through, the taxi driver couldn’t avoid it and slammed into the guardrail. Several cars behind crashed into each otherโmy life flashed before my eyes.
At the hospital, Ava realized she’d lost her phone and borrowed mine to call her family.
I sat in triage letting a doctor dress the cut on my forehead.
When I came out, Ava had gone to the payment desk. I wandered the hall. A gurney rushed by, pushed by a crowd, someone shouting "critical!"
Then I heard: "Family of Maya Collins!"
"Here!"
"How are you related to her?"
The man’s reply was instant: "Husband."
The voice was familiar.
I turned toward it. Ethan stood in the doorway, face ash-white.
"Okay, come confirm some information."
All I really heard was "husband."
That one word made my heart thump like something was trying to break out of my chest.
Without thinking, I cheerfully shouted back, "Husband!"
Ethan froze when he heard me, then whipped his head to lock eyes on me.
The moment he saw me his expression darkened. He strode over.
I was going to ask, "What are you doing here?"
Ethan grabbed me, pulled me into his arms. The next thing I knew he was scolding me head-on.
"Where’s your phone? Why didn’t you call me when this happened? Had to wait for me to find you? This whole hospitalโwhat were you doing wandering around?"
I was so stunned I couldn’t think.
Not even my parents had ever snapped at me like that. Ethan did.
I pursed my lips. The panic I’d been keeping down burst out as a tangle of hurt and tears, and I started to cry.
People had spilled out of cars and started fighting. I stood alone by the road, covering my bleeding forehead, terrified they wouldn’t notice me and would leave me behind until EMS came. I was so scared.
Ethan smelled like the floral laundry detergent I bought. I buried my face in his shirt and wiped my nose. "Ethan, stop yelling. I’m so scared."
His breathing stilled. His big hand came down on my head. "When do they change the dressing?"
"The eighth."
Because I was hurt, I could take sick leaveโno preschool for a week. The director called to express sympathy and said it was paid leave.
So I became a couch potato. My head throbbed, I was low energy, and I napped a lot.
Maybe it was my imagination, but Ethan seemed to sleep more tooโholding me, napping from noon until dusk.
One night Ava sent me a document titled "99 Ways to Win Your Boyfriend."
"To make up for that time you got yelled at by Ethan, here’s a little manual."
I had thought it was unnecessary. I’m so lovableโhow could he not like me?
But then yesterday, Ethan asked, "Do you know what love is?"
I couldn’t stop fretting. Maybe he really didn’t love me.
Time to stoke the fire!
1. Cook for him yourself.
Okay, pass.
2. Learn his hobbies so you have shared topics.
Okay, find Kitty in the design plans, pass.
3. Never mention breaking up, not even as a joke.
Okay, pass.
4. Be gentle with him.
There was an envelope on the nightstand. Someone had written in a messy marker: "Ethan is a jerk."
Still there.
Pass.
5. …I fell asleep reading and woke to find my phone neatly on the nightstand and Ethan sitting beside me reading a book.
I wiped drool away and crawled over him for my phone. My body blocked his view.
Ethan sighed. "If you want to read that file, I advise against it."
I held the phone. "Why?"
He closed the book and pulled me close. "Those tricks are basically 99 ways to get a boyfriend to break up."
I paused, withdrew my hand, and instead tugged on his pajama drawstring.
"I think simple and blunt works better."
Ethan looked at me, lips pressed tight. His gaze warmed.
"Does your head not hurt anymore?"
He touched my wound.
I pushed the hair from my face and flopped into his arms, grinning. "Ethan, let me take care of you."
He snorted, ignored my smarmy line, and in a few quick moves pulled me under the covers.
Early the next morning I was still half-asleep when Ethan took a call and went into the living room.
Women’s sixth sense told me something was off.
I padded to the living room just as the call was ending.
"Have time to meet?" I heard a woman’s voice faintly.
Ethan was on the balcony with his back to me. "Okay, I’ll reserve the table."
He hung up and turned to find me. He didn’t look happy.
I spread my hands. "Want to tell me something?"
Ethan was silent a long time. "No."
Fine.
Perfect.
Keeping secrets from me!
That night Ava and I went to a rock music festival.
The pounding music swept you up and carried you away.
Ava asked, "Where’s Ethan?"
"No idea."
I Lost Him to a Wedding Night
Thinking about him made my chest tight, so I didn't. I screamed until my voice was hoarse. The festival wound down near midnight. A few handsome guys tried to talk to me, but Ava fended them off playfully: "Taken. Sorry."
My confidence skyrocketed. "See? I'm not short on love."
Ava rolled her eyes. "With your love-struck brain, any decent guy will spin you around. Without a reliable one, a random jerk will play you."
Her boyfriend drove to pick her up and kindly dropped me off at my building.
At that hour, only the 24-hour convenience store was open.
I wandered the aisles at a toiletries display, then, under the clerk's "I get you" look, went to the refrigerated case. I grabbed two cartons of milk and a box of eggs, then pointed at a small packet of Northeast rice. "How much is this?"
The clerk blushed. "That's a free promo."
I blinked. The clerk's face flushed red. A few minutes later I left triumphantly hugging the free rice.
Ethan's place was dark, so I didn't expect him to be home.
Eat with another woman behind my back? FineโI'll break up with him after dinner.
I stepped in. The door slammed. Somebody grabbed me and spun me around, pinning me against the door. Things clattered to the floor.
"Aaaahโmmphโ"
My hand for my phone was suddenly locked behind my back. "Maya, where did you go?"
It was Ethan's voice.
He smelled of alcohol, the room smelling faintly of his drink.
His tall frame pressed me, his lips near my ear, voice laced with punishment: "Where did you go?"
I swallowed and wrapped my arms slowly around his waist, testing the waters. "You drank?"
He buried his face in my neck and said nothing.
He seemed…in a bad mood.
"Ah! No!"
His hand slipped under my clothes and deftly started the zipper of my dress.
"Ethan! I'm tired! I don't want to!"
He froze, breath hot and still. After a long pause his voice was cold. "You're bored of me?"
"Used to not care, now not even the body cares, huh?"
Used?
Used?!
Was Ethan insane?!
He scoffed, tilted my chin, and kissed me without askingโhungry, rough, biting and grinding. "So what, you want to break up?"
Usually I'd flash some righteous anger and say: Yes!
But my instinct screamed: don't provoke the lion. You might get mauled.
I swallowed the words and hugged him, patting his back like I'd comfort a kid. "Did you eat?"
He stopped abruptly, silent for a moment, then in a voice so low I could barely hear: "Four years, Maya. This is the first time you've asked if I ate."
There was a faint note of…pleased surprise in it.
Hearing that made me guilty. Maybe it was true.
"Then did you eat? Stop being dramatic. Say if you're hungry!"
I mimicked the way he'd scold me. It felt cathartic.
He immediately answered, "No."
Then who was he out with?
If he expected me to cook after going out with another woman, fineโI'll do it.
I thought that, then suddenly screamed and shoved him away. "My eggs!!!"
He stumbled back, hit the switch, and the light came on.
I stood exposed in the bright light.
She wore black pumps, a strapless party dress that fluffed out at the waist, a delicate pendant necklace at her collarbone, hair styled into sultry, cascading waves.
And sheโd doneโฆ innocent-girl makeup. Sweet, pureโcompletely misleading.
He leaned against the wall. Storm clouds gathered in his gaze as he spoke sharply, โMaya Collins!โ
I was crouched on the floor with the broken eggs, cradling the shards, and I looked up carefully. โWhatโs wrongโฆโ
My best friend always said: when you act fragile, no one can resist.
Ethan rubbed his temple, softened his expression a fraction and gave in: โFine. Go change your clothes.โ
Heโd been drinking and had sunk into the couch, eyes closed.
I was sureโif I said one more useless word, heโd toss me out. But I had something I had to tell him.
I stood in the entryway with shopping bags in both hands and mumbled, โIโฆ I twisted my ankleโฆโ
Ethan lay on the sofa, motionless for a long moment. Then he swore under his breath, grabbed me, and dragged me down onto the couch.
I thought he was going to yell at me. Instead, he just held me on his lap, dug through a cabinet, and pulled out a jar of sports rub ointment to massage my foot.
The apartment was quiet; my small complaints escaped in whispers.
I curled my arms around his neck and felt a soft part of me start to pound wildly.
This was the second time.
Ethanโs face was closeโhard lines, a strong nose, those especially enticing eyes.
I kept complaining in a tiny voice, โYou came home and didnโt even turn on the lightsโฆโ
He turned his head toward me and scolded, โWhy are you whining so much?โ
I angled away to create distance, my cheeks burning.
โYou better massage my foot properly. When it doesnโt hurt anymore, IโllโI'll cook for you.โ
Ethan paused, smiled, and gave a soft, โMm.โ
I didnโt ask who that woman was. Now I stood at the stove, following a tutorial, and tossed a handful of free promo rice into boiling water, stirred, then fished the broken eggshells back and dropped them in.
Ethan sat at the table and asked, โWhat are you making?โ
โSweet rice egg drop soup.โ
โWhereโs the wine?โ
I put the lid on and grinned, โYouโve got some in your belly.โ
Ethan: โโฆโ
I clutched a carton of fresh milk, leaned on the counter waiting for the soup to finish, and flipped open WeChat to text my best friend.
โDo you think that woman was his ex?โ
Ava: โIf he came back in a bad mood, then probably. Ew! Scumbag! Where are you?โ
โCooking for Ethan!โ
I even sent a happy emoji. โHe finally ate my cooking!โ
Ava: โAre you sure heโs not just overly nice because heโs hiding something?โ
I: โThe guidebook saidโunderstand men! Donโt ask unnecessary questions.โ
Ava: โUnderstanding isnโt for this moment! Maya, are you okay?!โ
Ava: โWhere are you? Talk!โ
Me: โDo you put sugar in sweet rice egg drop soup? White or brown?โ
Ava: โGet outโฆโ
Of course, the meal turned into a disaster.
Ethan picked a chunk of eggshell from the soup and calmly placed it on a napkin. โItโs fineโฆ not a big dealโโ
Crunch.
I heard him chewโsand-likeโthen smacked my forehead. โOh no, I forgot to rinse the rice.โ
Ethan nodded. โItโs okayโฆ edible.โ
He finished the porridge in front of my anxious face, expression exactly the same as when heโd eaten one of my earnest, homemade meals back in the day.
I waited for the โItโs pretty good, but donโt make it againโ line.
Instead, Ethan stood, washed the dishes, and said, โItโs late. Wash up and go to bed.โ
The sun rose in the west.
Maya Collins, in this lifetime, actually managed to get food into Ethan Reedโs stomach through sheer effort!
Is this the power of sacrifice?
Was he moved by me?
Then I might as well sacrifice more.
โEthan!โ
I called out, thrilled.
He stopped at the bathroom door and looked back. โWhat?โ
โLet meโlet me give you a bathโโ
I dove forward, headfirst.
He planted a palm to my forehead and shoved me away. โGet lost.โ
The next day, my phone blew up: a dozen voice messages and texts. My friend who only cared about eating, sleeping, and partying was awake.
โAaaaaah! Jason Clark proposed to me!!!โ
I squinted at the screen for a long beat, then bolted upright. โAaaaaah! He proposed to you!โ
Ethan woke to the rustling and saw me wriggling excitedly across the bed, squealing into voice messages with my best friend. He scooped me up casually and asked, โWhatโs going on?โ
I plastered the phone to Ethanโs face. โJason proposed to her! Aaaah! He proposed!โ
For a second, his expression blanked. He asked, โWhoโs Jason Clark?โ
โMy classmate! Eeek, Iโm so happy!!!โ
Ethan shoved me down hard, his face dark. โMaya Collins, say that again. Try smiling one more time.โ
My phone clattered into the gap of the mattress. I blinked, dumbfounded, then laughed and curled into a ball. โHahaha.โ
His face got even colder. โMaya!โ
I kissed him on the cheek. โI said Jason proposed to my friend. What about me? What about my proposal? I want one too!โ
Ethan froze, got up, and walked out.
Was he mad?
I pressed my lips together, thinking seriously about whether to coax this ruffled lion.
He came back, unexpectedly, and tossed a stack of documents onto the bed.
โBank card, title deed, birth record. Only your ID is missing. Maya Collinsโget up. Weโre going to your parentsโ house to meet them and do the transfer.โ
I was stunned. โAre we getting married today?โ
โIf you want,โ he said.
I grabbed my phone, hit the voice recorder, and shouted, โAaaaaah! Ethan just proposed!!!โ
But I wasnโt that greedy. I hugged Ethan and giggled, โNo need, no need. Just come meet my parents. My birth recordโs still with them.โ
Within an hour, Ethan had packed the car full of supplements and we were on our way home.
I sat in the passenger seat, clouded with worry.
Iโd accidentally sent the voice message to the Little Oaks parent groupโthree hundred parents.
Ava lost it laughing. โMaya, are you crazy? Listen to yourself, you sound like a screaming chicken hahaha!โ
The group flooded with congrats. Even the usually icy cafeteria lady sent a thumbs-up emoji.
I panickedโฆ My parents already knew about Ethan and me. After four years, theyโd inevitably caught us together.
This time, their โfuture son-in-lawโ had officially come to call; my parents had laid out a lavish lunch.
They liked Ethanโmaybe even more than me.
After lunch, Ethan ignored my hint to go for a walk and, serious, said to my dad, โSir, may I speak with you about something?โ
My dad, surprised, nodded and led Ethan to the study.
About an hour later the study door opened. I nosed in. โWhat did you talk about?โ
My dad glanced at me; the light, easy expression heโd had before was gone.
Waitโฆ we arenโtโโWeโre long-lost siblings?โ
Ethanโs face blackened. โDonโt be ridiculous.โ
Before he left, I pulled my dad aside. โWhat did Ethan tell you?โ
Dad took off his reading glasses. โHeโll tell you. I trust you to judge for yourself.โ
โAnd you and Mom are okay with this?โ
Dad smiled, hands behind his back. โWe respect your decision.โ
On the drive back, I couldnโt hold it in any longer. โEthan, tell me! What secret are you hiding?โ
He kept both hands on the wheel. โMaya, I want to introduce you to my parents.โ
That was normal. I nodded.
Then Ethan said, in a calm voice I would never forget, โIf after that you still choose to marry me, weโll get the marriage certificate.โ
At a fancy restaurant, I met Ethanโs mother.
A beautiful, sensual woman.
I greeted her properly and offered the carefully chosen jewelry, glancing around out of habit.
Ethanโs mother smiled. โNo need to look. Itโs just me today.โ
I looked at Ethan in confusion.
He didnโt avoid it. โMy fatherโs not wellโmild depression. He lives out in the suburbs and doesnโt see people much. Iโll bring you to meet him later.โ
Ethanโs mother poured herself a glass of red wine. โActually, I donโt approve of you two getting married.โ
My napkin crumpled in my hand. โAuntie, Iโโ
โItโs not because of you.โ She sipped. Her jewel-ringed fingers idly stroked the wineglass. โHeโs like his father. Not cut out for marriage.โ
โMom, this is the first time weโve met,โ Ethan said, a faint warning in his voice.
She tilted her lips. โWhat do you want me to say? That youโll live happily ever after? When I married your father, people told me the same thing. Did it help?โ
Her light-colored eyes turned to me. โHis father used to run projects for the Research Institute, to the middle of nowhere. I was pregnant with our second child; I went into early labor in the middle of the night. I almost died.โ
Ethan said nothing.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Ethan like someone waiting for judgmentโexpressionless, neither sad nor happyโpure stillness.
His mother continued, โLater, neighbors took me to the hospital. Ten days after giving birth, when I left, your father came back in rags.โ
At that moment I felt like I was looking at myself.
That rainy night, Iโd sat by the cake, waiting and waiting as the second hand flipped to the end of the day, then blown out the candles alone.
Ethanโs mother laughed. โI wanted a divorce. Your father begged on his knees. Then he developed depressionโcouldnโt take another shock. I had no choice. Heโs a coward. If Iโd left him then, I mightโve respected him more.โ
I suddenly remembered that day Ethan had come back and Iโd shouted, โBreak up!โ
He stood there forever, then said one word: โFine.โ
My chest tightened painfully.
He didnโt not careโhe just didnโt want us to become like his parents.
Under the table, I gripped Ethanโs hand.
He looked up sharply, and for the first time in a while a light flickered deep in his quiet eyes.
I squeezed him back, as if building a wall between the story and us.
Ethanโs mother smiled. โSo I left. I left the two kids with him. If he wonโt divorce, he has to take responsibility and care for them. Donโt use depression as an excuse.โ
She propped her chin and said, โI warn you: Ethan is just like his father.โ
I gulped a chilled lychee and blew out the cool air. โYou canโt generalize people.โ
โSeems you have hope for him.โ Her voice was sharp with sarcasm.
โA lot of hope,โ I said.
His mother stared at me for a while, looking like she was about to explode. After a long pause she said in an icy tone, "Forgive my bluntness, are you loveโbrain?"
Usually, that phrase thrown at me was an insult.
But in that moment I straightened my chest with pride. "I am.
And people like us are brave."
I could read the two words on his mother's face: bullshit.
I didn't care.
The moment he swallowed my congee with the egg skin in it, I had fallen for him.
The meeting ended on a sour note.
I watched his mother get into a man's car, whispering and getting cozy with him as it drove away.
Ethan sat by the floorโtoโceiling window, expressionless, but his dark eyes stayed locked on me.
"That's it?"
I scoffed. "That's it?
You really underestimate me, don't you?"
He sighed and steadied my shaking hand that held my drink. "If you wobble again you'll spill it."
Caught, I stopped hiding and buried my head on the table, hat pulled down tight. "Ahhh, what did I sayโฆ I'm so sour I could rot my teeth!!!"
"Maya."
"Don't call me that!
I have no face to look at you!"
"Maya."
I twisted, covering my face. Isn't this basically a confession?
Girls shouldn't confess first!
I could already picture years from now Ethan saying to his grandson with a calm face: Your grandma chased me first.
"Maya, I love you."
I froze, forehead pressed to the table, my face reddening where he couldn't see.
He said he loved me!
Under the table he passed me a rabbit gummy.
"Can you eat properly now?"
โฆThree days later I came rushing over to Ethan's table in a panic. "Ethan, it's over, it's overโmy period is three days late."
He didn't even look up. "You drank a whole cup of iced lychee. Delays happen."
"How can you be sure it's notโ"
My voice trailed off.
Ethan slipped off his goldโrimmed glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, which had red marks. "Because I always take precautions.
Maya Collins, I need to askโbesides me, have you ever wanted anyone else?"
I blinked. "Nope. I'm only into you."
"Then that's settled."
He kept his face cold. "Doesn't concern me."
I ground my teeth and suddenly stomped. "You jerk!"
Ethan: "?"
"What do you mean 'doesn't concern you'?"
I lunged and straddled his lap. "So if we have a kid one day, you won't claim them?"
He let out an angry laugh. "Did you think that through?"
"I'm not being logical, I'm being emotional!"
He leaned in and kissed me. "Emotionally, I want a child that's ours every single second.
But your current situation is because of iced lychee, and I'm extremely annoyed.
Next time you say that, I want you to come to me with two lines on a stick."
"Ah!
You're accusing me of lying about battle intel!"
"Exactly."
A week later, when I actually showed up with two lines, Ethan knocked over a glass and fried his laptop.
We sat facing each other all afternoon.
The evening sun fell across Ethan's face, bringing a little color to his pale cheeks.
After a long time, he seemed to make up his mind. "Maya, if the baby is born, I'll raise it."
I fidgeted with the tissue, staring at the two lines on the stick, head bowed, silent.
Honestly, I didn't know what to do.
I hadn't done anything on purpose and now I'm pregnant. What can I do… "Are youโฆ really sure you always used protection?"
I tried to ask.
Ethan buried his face in his hands and inhaled deeply. "Maya, maybe something broke, maybeโI forgotโฆ"
I heard the strain in his voice.
Even I found it hard to believe. How could Ethan, a careful, meticulous person, be so carelessโฆ The sun sank lower.
No one in the room said a word.
I stared at the mantle clock missing a corner and my expression turned serious.
"Ah!"
I yelled suddenly.
Under Ethan's deadpan stare, like a student who'd found the right answer, I said, "A month ago!"
Then I exhaled and smiled sweetly. "Sorry, I forgot."
Time rewound to a month earlier, the night before Ethan left on a business trip.
When I learned he was leaving, I sulked and clung to him that night, wanting to drink.
My friend had just given me a bottle of 40โproof whiskey. I mixed some into fruit wine. By the time I realized something was off, Ethan was already drunk.
He sat there quietly looking at me, saying nothing.
I kissed him and he responded.
I touched him and he let me.
Like an obedient child.
Later I helped him to our room.
We looked for what we needed and couldn't find it, so I took a chance.
Plus, I was brazen and had a little wine; everything went smoothly.
Then he left on the trip, missed my birthday, I broke up with himโฆ After such tumult, who remembers one night?
I'd never seen Ethan furious before. He sat for a long time, so long I thought he'd run out of breath, then he finally said slowly, "Maya, come here."
My sixth sense ticked.
I scooted back. "Isn't that unnecessaryโฆ"
"Damn it!"
Ethan suddenly stood. "Maya Collins!
We're going to the hospital!"
I panicked. "Don't touch my baby!"
A vein throbbed in his forehead as he scooped me up and left.
On the way I curled in the passenger seat and asked pitifully, "Could we not do the test?"
Ethan's face was dark. "Shut up."
He carried me into the hospital. While we were waiting in the queue he was silent.
A pregnant woman nearby whispered, "Are you here for an abortion?"
I gave her a miserable smile. She patted my arm in sympathy. "Young people, keep your eyes open."
When it was our turn in the exam room, I shrank into a corner, ashamed and defeated.
Ethan's first words: "Hello. I'd like to askโmy wife and I have beenโฆ intimate recently.
I just learned she's pregnant, probably from an encounter a month ago.
I'm worried about her and the baby's health."
My face burned.
What was he sayingโฆ? The doctor's face turned serious. "If you're scared, why not endure?"
Ethan admitted flatly, "My fault."
โฆThat night Ethan walked me out of the hospital.
The baby was fine and needed regular checkups.
My hand twitched in his palm. "Hey, don't ignore me."
He shoved me into the car, then stood outside for a while making phone calls before getting back in.
"Tomorrow we're going out of town."
"To see your dad?" I asked.
He paused fastening his seat belt. After a moment warmth crept into his voice. "Yeah. To see him."
I went back to work at Little Oaks Preschool.
All day my coworkers beamed at me.
Even the cafeteria lady ladled me an extra scoop of meat.
Ethan said he'd pick me up after work, but had to wait until the kids were gone.
Around 4:30 most of them had left. I was crouched tying a girl's hair clip when a colleague asked behind me, "Hi, this parent looks a littleโฆ unfamiliar. What's the child's name? Can you show a pickup pass?"
A man's voice replied, "Maya Collins. No pass yet, but she should know me."
I turned and saw Ethan holding a milk tea not far off, the sunset softening his features.
My face flamed; I handed the child to the parent and hurried to him. "Weren't you going to be lateโฆ?"
He gave me the milk tea. "No big deal. I'll wait a bit."
My colleague looked like a proud aunt and ushered me off. "Maya, go. I know the rest of the parents."
We bought things in the car. The suburb was about an hour from the city.
When we arrived, his father was sitting in the yard.
I awkwardly called, "Sir, hello."
He stood, silver hair despite not being old. He was happy I was there. Dinner was wild chicken stew from their own yard; the vegetables and fruit were freshly picked.
Ethan said, "Dad, I'm getting married."
His father froze midโstir with the ladle, choked up after a moment. "Goodโฆ I didn't slow you down. If a girl likes you, that's nice. Treat her well."
It was a plain, heartfelt wish that made my eyes sting.
After dinner while we were washing dishes, Ethan told me, "My dad owes my mom an apology."
A statement.
Years had passedโone parent wound up depressed, the other carelessโand he didn't know whom to blame.
He hesitated, looked at me, light flickering in his eyes. "Maya, I'm sorry I came home late."
I suddenly realized that on that rainy night he had been trying to say exactly that.
Seeing the extinguished candle on the table, my disappointed face, and that harsh, "Break up! I deserve better!" he hadn't dared speak. He swallowed it and said, "Okay."
I cried, the sobs echoing in the yard. "This isn't shameful. Why did you tell my dad first and keep it from me?"
He patted my head. "My parents had a failed marriage. I chose the same road as my father. I was afraid you'd abandon me."
I hugged him. "I wouldn't. I'm not some shallow person just into your body."
Ethan fell silent.
I glared at him with swollen eyes. "You really think that?"
He held me tight. "Maya, it's time to go home."
I stopped crying and squealed in his arms, "Ethan!
You're so shallow!
I'm not getting back together with you because of your abs!"
"Okay."
"Not because you can do a hundred pushโups either!"
"I believe you."
"No, you still doubt me! I really love you!"
After a moment.
Ethan: "Stop staring at me. I really believe you."
Life went back to normal.
Both sets of parents knew about the pregnancy.
Ethan's mother reacted coldlyโno sympathetic messagesโbut one day she showed up at our door.
I was barefoot, in the middle of doing yoga.
Ethan opened the door.
She stood there with a box of baby supplies, eyes falling on the pink gingham apron Ethan wore. She tugged the corner of her mouth. "Better than your father."
She dropped the items inside and left without another word.
Ethan's uncle sent several boxes of farm eggs from the countryside where he was recuperating.
My parents visited sometimes and sat down with Ethan to discuss the wedding. Ethan said his parents would attend the wedding.
These days I craved grilled skewers like crazy, but I had to be careful with my pregnancy diet.
That night I was whining and pouting, begging Ethan to take me for kebabs.
He looked up from a parenting book. "A few coworkers asked me out tonight. I wasn't going to go, but that place has great skewers and it's hard to get a table. If you wantโ"
"I want, I want, I want!"
I hadn't even met any of his research institute coworkers yet.
There weren't many weddings among them, so Ethan was the only one at the table who'd brought a plus-one.
The moment we arrived, everyone started teasing.
Only then did I realize they'd all known about meโthat we'd been together for years, apparentlyโso they'd already assumed I was Ethan's official partner.
They were surprised to hear we weren't even engaged.
"Look at Ethanโif you didn't know, you'd think they've been married years."
I bit into a skewer Ethan had rinsed in water and asked, curious, "How can you tell?"
"He's always on time. His desk always has a picture of you. He shuts down around female coworkers like he's guarding a vault. A bunch of our new girls were interested in him, then one look at his phone wallpaper and they backed off."
Another coworker added, "Some people hide a marriage like it's a secret. Ethan? He's not married, but he might as well have clipped you to his belt buckle. His face screams: 'Taken, no exceptions.'"
Ethan pressed his lips together and didn't respond. He dumped the cold water and replaced it with a fresh cup for me.
Suddenly someone clapped. "Hey! Remember when we went up to the mountains for that inspection? The landslideโsignal went out in the whole town!"
I froze with the skewer between my teeth. "When was that?"
Ethan cut in, "Finish eating and let's go. It's late."
"Don'tโit's not done yet!"
His coworker was on a roll. "About a month ago. Ethan didn't tell you? What should've taken two or three days got stretched out because it rained for three straight days and the road in and out of the village was completely blocked."
"Ethan grabbed the repair tools that night and climbed up to the signal tower. When he came down, he looked so cold and fierceโyou would've thought the world's ending."
I tightened my fingers around the skewer and bit my lip, not moving.
Ethan took my arm. "Don't listen to rumors. Come with me."
I pulled away and said, syllable by syllable, "If you want to go, go by yourself."
The conversation at the table buzzed on. Ethan sat back down beside me, lip pressed tight.
"…They couldn't get the materials through, so the signal was gone. Ethan went with the crew to dig a road, working day and night with no rest. Just when they were close to getting out, a flash flood came and sealed them in again. If the crew hadn't pulled back fast, everyone would've been crushed."
He clicked his tongue and pointed at Ethan. "Including him."
The meat in my mouth suddenly turned like wax I couldn't chew.
After a long beat, I summoned the courage to ask, "And then?"
"Then Ethan spent every day climbing the ridgelines looking for a signal. For a month, rain or shine. A few days before the road was cleared, he ran a high feverโ40 degreesโand people had to carry him to a vehicle."
I stood and rubbed my eyes. "I'm… going to the restroom."
"Okay, be careful."
I left the private room and walked fast.
Ethan chased out after me. "Maya."
I moved even faster, almost running.
I kept crying as I ran. "Please don't follow me. I just want to be alone for a minute."
I couldn't outrun him. He grabbed me and dragged me into his arms.
He held my head and patted my back gently. "I'm not going to hassle you. Just don't run away."
I opened my mouth and wailed. The late-night food stall hummed with activity; my sobs drew a lot of attention.
All I could think to do was cryโthere was nothing that made me feel better.
If I'd been even a little more patient and asked why, he wouldn't have said the words ending us.
After a long while I tired out and hiccupped softly. Ethan carried me to the car and headed for the driver's side.
I clung to him, not letting go.
"Maya, can we go home?" he asked.
"No," I said, sticking out my lower lip as the tears started again.
"Then what do you want?" he asked softly.
"I don't know."
After a long silence I looked up. "I'll love you more from now on. I won't call you a jerk anymore."
Ethan smiled. "Much obliged. Also, Ms. Maya Collins, have you perhaps become a little too fond of crying lately?"
I rubbed my face and finally let him go. "Cut it out. I'm pregnantโhormones. It's temporary."
A few days later I found transfer paperwork in Ethan's email.
He'd been promoted.
Travel and business trips would be less frequent.
I also found a leave request slipped into a bookโtimed for two weeks around my due date.
Ethan'd let me use his phone sometimes. One day, when I was searching for something, I stumbled on his search history.
'What do you do if your girlfriend's cooking is bad?'
Answer: 'Praise her: "It was great. Next time, don't bother."'
'Hidden romance ideas in the design industry?'
Answer: 'Hide something she likes inside the plans.'
I thought of the Hello Kitty.
'What do young women like?'
Answer: 'A fit, strong body.'
'Hours for the gym in town…'
I silently screenedhotted everything, printed it, and hid it in my treasure box.
My box already held a lot: my first letter to Ethan and his reply, the jewelry box of that cheap ring I secretly bought and he now wore on his ring finger, our first photo together, the napkin I clenched the first time we kissed… The sound of the front door opening came from the living room.
I snapped the box shut and kicked it under the sofa.
The door swung open.
A perfect slice of sunset landed on Ethan's shoulder.
"What are you doing?" he asked, carrying a package and changing his shoes.
I grinned, hands clasped behind my back. "I'm hiding love."